freakster! i was writing stuff and THEN site crash. heh. can't repeat, thought is gone and different. ah. i was just saying i took my boards and blah blah blah my poor history of putting off the inevitable and the steady decline and loss of knowledge, which probably stems from my lack of self confidence...and i wouldve been fine and shouldve just done it sooner. MAN...its really that in life, insights does JACK. lol.  like seriously, who freaking needs insight, doesn't it just make u more miserable that u see the problem but uh somehow u don't fix it?!lol. stupid.
newayz. um...i hope i pass, i'll leave it at that. and, seeing how its best to live in the moment, hah. seriously...i'm all of a sudden feeling so freaking happy. even if its for the moment of just getting it over with and not knowing if i passed...thats life right...i'm ok with just enjoying the moment for what it is.  its like all the times before graduation i was worrying about leaving college and missing my friends and not knowing where i'll be down the road...i think it was best that time to just have visited all the friends and kept playing til 4am and going to the last finals, last classes, what not. it was good even though we would all still have to move on. then it was like the adjustment, missing the friends, but just calling them up and saying wassup, and then looking back and wanting to keep all the little details and memories...then u grow up a bit and think of the past a little less, get a bit more busy, it gets a bit easier to be a bit more alone...yet in between, theres whatever blah blah blah about daily routines and the jobs and the new people and the bitching about all that...hah...then u realize, HELL, SCREW THAT...lol. pick up the phone and there you have it, all the good friends and laughs and the memories.  and u just take a step outside your head which has been filled with whatever troubles and i feel happy again just cause its not whatever work is or what my ambitions are, its all the other things that make IT worthwhile, always the unexplainable IT, thats kinda how i feel. (ps, most esp. a warm greeting to brad and courtney, friendships as exactly so many years ago)
like seriously, if this thought is repeated every year as i'm known to be the 5-songs-on-repeat-20-days-crazy-girl, thats the way its going to be and its all good. mmmmmmmm

another thought, wow, after it rained the past few days, the sky was so clear. i got outta work early enough to be driving home to see all the mountains that are around my booooonnnnnyyyyyy town, its actually an amazing sight today, the snow covered all the mountains side by side by side and at the back of my neighborhood there was mountains and mountains all covered with snow. pretty awesome sight. hah. but cold! gees, i'm so excited about getting just OUT of the hospital in a few days just to enjoy some holiday spirit. yay.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttttt

i feel like my hands are tied down with so many things from this year.
i still have boards in a few days, but i will look forward to not having that on myself. stupid of me to put it off.
lol. would it be like the billioniiiith time of reminding myself over and over and over again not to procrastinate ?! it would. maybe...i will learn. maybe.
i feel like i'm more nervous than ever about the upcoming year. this anxiety is creeping into my taking this test...but i'm holding down that puking sensation. hah.
but i really don't know what i will do without all my friends. i think every time i get to this time of the year in looking back and looking ahead, i feel like i reconnect to a lot of good friends after the flurry of a whole year's working and what not.
next year will truly be an ass kicking year. it feels like i'll be another transitional year, although it'd be the 2nd half of my 2nd year. i don't think i've made enough progress in the past 6 months. so i far i've been trying to survive...i think next year...i'll try to be better.  i guess thats still a work oriented perspective...but hey, less sleep, more time to study and can't study without having time to play and relax. maybe it'll work out. once again, no pain, no gain.
theres a poster in the neurosurgery office i've been hanging out in...it says "Great results require great ambitions."
says it all. thats life. hm, i think change is good for a person like me. some of the criticisms i've received at work are really painful this year...i think its time to respond to them with some aggression instead of resignation. and that probably applies to all areas of my life too.
lol. thats my bad habit of procrastinating when theres work to be done. yea. bite me.

i am such a dork! talk about blink of an eye, to think i used to blog fairly often, like random stupid thoughts blog or something. now i stop by and theres still the habitual go of on whatever even thought month by month just goes by.
i finished a month at loma linda university doing pediatric surgery. pretty cool to see some of the crazy congenital birth defects and how the kids present and the classic radiographic findings. my god the first 2-3 weeks i mustve read every night. hah. didn't want to be the dumbass from the different hospital, there is hope, i was kinda relieved/proud of myself at the question/answer sessions we had each week, and i thought, damn, if i did read every night - no shit, i'll be smart. hah. new year's DORK resolution to read more. maybe if i just put my mind to it, its not that impossible.

my thing for next year is to sleep last after call...although i couldn't get my ass outta bed today sleeping from 10am to 4pm. haha. and getting up to goof off, with a buncha articles to read and do a presentation on. i still have my HOPELESS nature underneath. but i'm thinking, if i sleep less postcall, i have time to read, to have a life. NO DOUBT, my life is just pages and pages of work work work. and even the thought to sleep less is to read more...i think...after a convo i had with a certain somebody, i still can't trade in my work for something else. i like to think work is just work, i tell myself that too, its just work, its not who i am.  but...i still want to be better, want to be good, else whats the purpose of the steps to get here and the time passed while missing all these events with friends/family.  can't look back with too much regret.

i guess if jan1 starts, it'll be the chance to restructure my life! it'll still be work first/study first, but i think, somehow, its time for me to get that balance i've never achieved, to fit more time for friends/activities. maybe its doable. although i bitch about the work, its not like i've really thought about how i could get a balance in. i just pretty much worked and slept, go home and get taken care of by family.

and to think about it, i talk to people about dating, casually, like yeah it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, to be in a relationship...but i talk about it, and its been a really long time since i've given it serious thought. its not like i've been boy crazy like in college, hah.  i've just passed on the guys that i didn't think would be compatible with me, and haven't thought about what i was looking for - besides the typical list everybody comes up with. seems like i kinda thought about it now and all i've come up with is - WOW. so complicated. to make any dating work...this life of mine...me and work.  mm. not so easy lah. even though, i'm still thinking - if it happens, it happens. but just recently, if it happens a little...theres a whole mess of kinks that if i logically project down the line (my new favorite phase)...theres already a buncha problems.  no seriously, why can't it be all worked out with all the details correct.

but what i've noticed...even though i would say i have little baggage...that impulse to run is something i sorta felt but never analyzed. thats probably a huge reason i've been single so long, its so easy to say no...and now i think, its so hard to stay and say maybe or yes. kinda weird to have a few of these things pointed out to me.

i'm just saying.

ok. no more goofing. time to put on that presentation.

la la la. i love life.
don't care if i put up this link already, song of the moment still
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx0dcnMZB9A
love it. the song. not the video.

lol. heres my video of the day
for all the fob friends.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4mtCuQhkq0&feature=related
not cuz hes cute. its always about the guy that sings.
ah. i was telling my younger cousin with the starting line of "back in the days, when i was in college..." I AM OLD =..(  heh. and its been a while since i was thinking about the college days, only cause "i'm busy" as usual. i really am busy, its getting old saying that but it just doesn't let up. but anyways, i was thinking back, there was that guy that sang, played the guitar, played the piano, and was super cute, and its still funny to me how stereotypically infatuated/boy-crazy i was then with him, but even however silly of me then, heh...i think i still fall for silly stuff like that. newayz, thats the story i told her, that i hope that when she goes to college, she can meet all sorts of interesting people/friends...make some good/funny/silly memories. random thought.
dude. i need to go get some sun and fresh air. i must spend like 90% of my life in the hospital...and the other 5% at home/car. so sad. but i was out recently, and i think meeting a certain few guys stirred up a little bit of boy craziness. thats how it is that maybe i'm really not that old =) the question is how do i cheat on significant other...seeing as i'm married to my work =P haha. funny.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i really am stuck with so much work/studying. hear me whining?!! cuz i am. gah. i want to be back in college, in my flip flops, hang out til night, chit chat with the friends, eat some donuts...so depressed...i'm going to sleep it off. another day tmw...

 

ah! another birthday! man...did not seem so long ago that i celebrated last year's bday. WHOAH! newayz. had a great time again with the friends, the gang...hehe...a wholesome bbq with swimming and tennis...which i think, in this life of mine, is good for me. i think i will fall apart if i got wasted and went clubbing...being how much OLDER i am now than in the past. OUCH! BUT...seeing how i don't typically exercise and work out like that one healthy summer i had...the splashing and tennis HURT a bit =) WEEEAAAAAK. weeeeeaaaaaak.

and man, today i had a sharp shooting pain down my leg...like when i had sciatica (self-diagnosed) back in 2nd yr of med school. and this whole week of "CAN'T get up...oh shit...running late...oh SLEEEEEEP"

geeeeees. you would think i'm turning like 40 =) haha. newayz. that is my thoughts on getting older. surprisingly, i'm not as depressed as when i turned 25. wonder why.

older so that i know that age doesn't matter? older so that i'm resigned to aging? OR...too tired to care?! too tired every day?!

older so that i daydream less now? or i daydream...but i just laugh at the whole stupidity of whatever is going on in this brain of mine...older so that i have my goals more in sight? NAH...don't know what the goals are...used to be so much easier "i want to be a doctor"...lol, now its not a goal, its just a MUST "must finish today...must finish this call...must get through ICU month...MUST suck it up"  seems so much unfair that i'm still not "there". but...older so that i know its "all just going to pass"...that work is work. lol. everybody has gotta work. old enough to know better about my endless complaining...that i'm lucky enough to be doing THIS...but old enough to know that THIS can't be just IT. sigh, throwing myself into work, but knowing its still not 100% of my efforts. i could do better.

not old enough to stop hearing "you'll make it." or "you'll get there" or "don't rush it" or "it'll happen" when it comes to work/love. SO FUNNY.

old enough to have be like "remember when..." or to say "OMG...you're so young." oh geees, when it comes to younger guys, thinking "CUUUUUTTEEE...dammit...so much younger! well...as long as hes not more than 3 years younger...what?! 5 years younger. DAMMIT."

newayz. not old enough to stop saying "BITE ME LAH!!!".

and yea. soooooo old i can't get rid of my bad habits. HAH. anybody feel this way?! i'm so smart i'm going to publish this blog. yea. really.